In one of the biggest Ls I’ve ever taken in my gaming career (after buying Ninja: Shadow of Darkness just cause the box looked cool) I actually sold Devil May Cry 4 for this trash. Synopsis: all you do is run this little punk through snow at a snail’s pace, occasionally encountering “enemies” in the form of big bugs, smaller bugs and Eskimos. I say “enemies” lightly because they really don’t do much to you at all. The big armadillos or whatever the fuck they are just kinda roll around and sit, the little mosquitoes will occasionally fly towards you and hit you taking off a whopping .001% of your life, and the snow pirates will just lay back and chill waiting for you to roll up and blast them. You also get some mechs and shit, which is kinda cool, but the problem is the enemy mech bosses zip and fly around like they just jumped outta Zone of the Enders while you’re basically the robot equivalent of 2008 Shaq, just stumbling around awkwardly trying to get a shot off. Last time I played I fought a giant, mobile Moth boss which YOUR MECH IS OBVIOUSLY NOT BUILT TO FIGHT, and after failing to find any strategy at all that wouldn’t just involve dumb luck I tried shooting my name into the snow until I died.

So yeah, fuck this game, but more importantly, fuck GameStop, HOW DID I GET $25 FOR A $60 GAME, WHICH IS STILL NEW, AND YOU’RE GONNA FLIP IT FOR $55 USED? AND THEN HAVE THE NERVE TO ASK ME IF I WANNA PREORDER SOMETHING WITH THE BAREBONES CHUMP CHANGE I JUST GOT?!? GS, I used to have fun exploiting your lenient checkout program and discount rates, but in the words of my man Cam’ron, “fuck all yall suck a dick no homo”

Published by: Ubisoft
Developed by: Grasshopper Manufacture
Score: 85

Back in 2004/2005 I remember all the buzz about Suda 51’s Killer 7. The style, the trailer, the characters all had this sleek, bass-ass style about them. Characters who were all about the kill and getting paid, blood splattering all over the damn place, it made me anxious to see how everything played out in actuality. Well when it was released it turns out the style was all there, but the gameplay was a mixed bag. Killer 7 was basically a rail shooter with puzzles that oozed style. The reviews and reception was mixed, some lauded the simpler gameplay which allowed for more emphasis on the story and others complained Suda 51 forgot he was making a videogame. This was far from the end of Suda 51 as he made a few lower key games, but it wasn’t until 2008 that he finally got some of that buzz he received for Killer 7, the game is No More Heroes. In No More Heroes, Travis Touchdown is a man of many interests, he watches anime, collects toys, decapitates assassins; you know, the normal things an otaku would do. Unlike Killer 7 however, the style of the game is only matched by its hybrid linear/open world gameplay and proves itself as an inventive and clever action adventure game.

Ah, Elite Beat Agents, how you soiled my Nintendo DS. As the box art indicates, this was apart of Nintendo’s Touch Generation games, a series of Nintendo games that extensively used the stylus and DS’ touch capabilities. Now you may be asking “why all the hatred iceman?” I’ll tell you why, it’s because it’s a rhythm game, but the true sin comes from it being a shitty rhythm game. The music, the gameplay, the characters, all FUCKING AWFUL. Now, let’s not get it twisted, the game is still functional and will be loved by those who are into Nintendo’s off the beaten path games, but trying to tap small little circles at a precise moment on a screen that’s about half the size of my palm makes playing the game as irritating as rubbing your ass on some poison ivy. The music is licensed but it’s done by other singers. If you thought ‘YMCA’ by the Village People was an affront to your ears before, it only gets worse when a guy who sounds like Luther Vandross on crack sings it instead.

It made me happy to walk into a local Toys R Us and find about 10 new copies of the game all discounted to about $5 and still gathering dust. Please don’t get this game, other reviews may tell you otherwise, but it’s not good. It’s short and gets boring very quickly. Seriously, Elite Beat Agents, you suck.

…oh and ‘The Inspiration’ by Chicago, really? Ugh.

Published by: Nintendo
Developed by: Nintendo/Game Arts
Score: 70

I’ve never played Super Smash Brothers (SSB) before. The reason is because I never had an N64 and also because I didn’t have a Gamecube. I was still able to live a happy and peaceful life in spite of never throwing Mario off a space ship and sending him into hyperspace. However whenever I explained this to others who had played the game I was looked at with wrinkled brows like they had found the missing link. Looking right into my eyes asking themselves “how has he not popped his SSB cherry yet?” Days leading into the launch of Super Smash Brothers Brawl (SSBB) I felt the invisible push into Best Buy. Leaving the store I did feel a sense of ease because after all I had picked up a first party Nintendo game that was considered a major release. However upon inserting the disc and playing a few rounds I quickly realized that what I though I had been missing had not been much at all.

Published by: Rockstar Games
Developed by: Rockstar North
Score: 95

Nobody could’ve predicted the titanic success that was Grand Theft Auto 3. Nobody. For a series that had been successful enough to warrant a third, but not successful enough to consider that GTA3 might be a leap in action gaming, Rockstar has done extremely well for itself. After GTA3’s release, there was never a true sequel, Vice City and San Andreas were spin-offs. Don’t let that classification take anything away from these games because they too were great, improving upon everything that GTA3 had brought to the table whether it be graphics or gameplay elements. In the year 2008, there is finally a true sequel to GTA3, and rather than changing the locale, the series has returned to Liberty City, a makeshift New York City. Grand Theft Auto IV is the name of the game and is truly a leap above everything else Rockstar has brought out and makes itself not only the best GTA game, but possibly, the best action game in many years.