In one of the biggest Ls I’ve ever taken in my gaming career (after buying Ninja: Shadow of Darkness just cause the box looked cool) I actually sold Devil May Cry 4 for this trash. Synopsis: all you do is run this little punk through snow at a snail’s pace, occasionally encountering “enemies” in the form of big bugs, smaller bugs and Eskimos. I say “enemies” lightly because they really don’t do much to you at all. The big armadillos or whatever the fuck they are just kinda roll around and sit, the little mosquitoes will occasionally fly towards you and hit you taking off a whopping .001% of your life, and the snow pirates will just lay back and chill waiting for you to roll up and blast them. You also get some mechs and shit, which is kinda cool, but the problem is the enemy mech bosses zip and fly around like they just jumped outta Zone of the Enders while you’re basically the robot equivalent of 2008 Shaq, just stumbling around awkwardly trying to get a shot off. Last time I played I fought a giant, mobile Moth boss which YOUR MECH IS OBVIOUSLY NOT BUILT TO FIGHT, and after failing to find any strategy at all that wouldn’t just involve dumb luck I tried shooting my name into the snow until I died.

So yeah, fuck this game, but more importantly, fuck GameStop, HOW DID I GET $25 FOR A $60 GAME, WHICH IS STILL NEW, AND YOU’RE GONNA FLIP IT FOR $55 USED? AND THEN HAVE THE NERVE TO ASK ME IF I WANNA PREORDER SOMETHING WITH THE BAREBONES CHUMP CHANGE I JUST GOT?!? GS, I used to have fun exploiting your lenient checkout program and discount rates, but in the words of my man Cam’ron, “fuck all yall suck a dick no homo”

Ah, Elite Beat Agents, how you soiled my Nintendo DS. As the box art indicates, this was apart of Nintendo’s Touch Generation games, a series of Nintendo games that extensively used the stylus and DS’ touch capabilities. Now you may be asking “why all the hatred iceman?” I’ll tell you why, it’s because it’s a rhythm game, but the true sin comes from it being a shitty rhythm game. The music, the gameplay, the characters, all FUCKING AWFUL. Now, let’s not get it twisted, the game is still functional and will be loved by those who are into Nintendo’s off the beaten path games, but trying to tap small little circles at a precise moment on a screen that’s about half the size of my palm makes playing the game as irritating as rubbing your ass on some poison ivy. The music is licensed but it’s done by other singers. If you thought ‘YMCA’ by the Village People was an affront to your ears before, it only gets worse when a guy who sounds like Luther Vandross on crack sings it instead.

It made me happy to walk into a local Toys R Us and find about 10 new copies of the game all discounted to about $5 and still gathering dust. Please don’t get this game, other reviews may tell you otherwise, but it’s not good. It’s short and gets boring very quickly. Seriously, Elite Beat Agents, you suck.

…oh and ‘The Inspiration’ by Chicago, really? Ugh.