So it has come to my attention that Iceman, proud defender of such fruity games as Lumines and Rez, has decided to call out the undisputed king of Headshot Jacob P. Galvatron for playing FIFA 09. However, like Jesus, I knew this betrayal would come, thus I have not been caught ill-prepared. I present to the jury Exhibit A, Iceman’s documented expedition into a local CVS in which he purchased, without a second thought, the entire Gundam Wing VHS collection. Now Gundam Wing’s inherent homosexual undertones are well known throughout the community, and VHS has been obsolete for years. Would you take a guy who would buy such a gay series, on such a gay format, seriously? I didn’t think so.

Now I present Exhibit B, Iceman’s heritage. For those who didn’t know Iceman is half hispanic, and nothing is more popular among hispanics than soccer(well maybe tequila). This is akin to me hating on Iceman for playing Madden, or for ordering a 10pc bucket from Popeye’s, it just doesn’t make sense. He even refers to it as soccer, whereas any self respecting hispanic person will argue for days about how soccer is “the REAL football holmes” and American football should be called handball or some shit. Would you take the accusations of a man, who selfishly rejected his own culture(he doesn’t even bump reggaeton) seriously? I didn’t think so.

Now that I have effectively broken the feeble backbone of the FIFA-gate case like that mexican did to Hillary Swank in Million Dollar Baby, I will now address the plaintiff directly. Iceman, the Brute to my Caesar, the Judas to my Jesus Shuttlesworth, I am saddened that it had to come to this. Yet I am a forgiving king, and I am willing to look past this treachery and move forward with the Team Headshot movement because of our long, enduring friendship(and the fact that you pay for the server).

-JPG